Tangled Heartstrings

我恨我愛你

2008-09-11T19:52:00.007+08:00

This is the first time I really listened to this song and I had a real hard time believing that a 15-year old can sing with such heart-wrenching emotion......

我恨我愛你【原唱：張惠妹】

愛情已經過了甜蜜期　多說也是無益
愛不愛我已經沒關係　一點小傷而已
你可以很放心　我不會為了留你假裝可憐兮兮

都怪我太不爭氣　我恨我愛你
Oh~ 我愛你　只是因為你是你
Oh~ 我恨你

你有我看也看不清的小聰明
你有我說也說不完的壞脾氣
你有我數也數不盡你　的新戀情

沒關係
我有你拿也拿不走的舊回憶
我可以一個人安靜的忘記你
我恨你最後那一句　我愛你

*lyrics courtesy of http://hk.myblog.yahoo.com/jw!85X6dxqCHxkFSine_IWW/article?mid=159

Money, money, money

2008-09-10T23:11:00.002+08:00

It was supposed to be a never-saw-it-coming tragedy. It was supposed to bring families together. It was supposed to be....

I really couldn't figure out who's right or who's wrong in the situation. One thing that I can say with surety that one party assumed the other party's action. EHH!!!! WRONG!!!! One should never assume because no one can ever think like you do for the simple reasons that person is not you.

It was really sad to hear a person's, or should i say a relative's, rantings on his family's omission of concern and support towards his problems. Don't get me wrong, I'll be hurt too if my family acted as if everything was all bright and rosy when I was already deep into my grief. But, how can you expect others to think about your welfare when you never make others' feel your concern to them. I'm not justifying or taking sides here. But it just pisses me off when somebody would say hurtful things (especially in anger) and the actual underlying sentiment is about money. Probably, for him, money is akin to concern. I honestly don't know... Although I must say that after listening to his emotional outburst, I didn't feel any semblance of sympathy. I felt disheartened instead. Is this the meaning of family to him? And I thought he would noticed the absence.....

Regret

2008-08-30T23:19:00.004+08:00

I was trying to find old friends on the Facebook when I chanced upon a cousin who's already based in Canada. I checked out her friends' list without knowing that I was in for a surprise. Among her friends is another one of our cousin who had just passed away a month earlier. It was actually more akin to shock. Looking at the picture of this vibrant young person who's just starting to take on the world, the regret of not having cherished the relationship started to wash over me again.

幸福

2008-08-11T00:12:00.004+08:00

幸福看起來那麼簡單
眼看就要有了
為什麼突然間
變得那麼遙不可及呢

-陳欣怡
命中注定我愛你，第二十二集

Happiness looks so easy to achieve because it's there right before your eyes, but how could it become so unreachable in a blink of an eye?

*photo courtesy of http://www.ttv.com.tw/drama08/destinylove/image.htm

我愛的人

2008-08-09T23:58:00.008+08:00

video courtesy of jackle0322

我愛的人
作詞：施人誠　作曲：周杰倫　編曲：吳慶隆

我知道故事不會太曲折　我總會遇見一個什麼人
陪我過沒有了她的人生　成家立業之類的等等

她做了她覺得對的選擇　我只好祝福她真的對了
愛不到我最想要愛的人　誰還能要我怎樣呢

我愛的人　不是我的愛人
她心裡每一寸　都屬於另一個人
她真幸福　幸福得真殘忍
讓我又愛又恨　她的愛怎麼那麼深

我愛的人　她已有了愛人
從他們的眼神　說明了我不可能

每當聽見　她或他說「我們」
就像聽見愛情　永恆的嘲笑聲

The title of the song is, The Person I Love.

I know that this story won't be all that bad
There will come a day I will meet somebody
Who will help me live a life without her
Get married and have a career

She made what she believed is a right decision
All I can do is to wish her well
I'm not anymore allowed to love the person I love the most
What more do they want me to do?

The person I love doesn't love me
Every inch of her heart belongs to somebody else
She's so happy that it makes me suffer
And it makes me love and hate how deep is her love for her lover

The person I love already love somebody else
From their eyes, I can see that I don't have a chance anymore
Every time I hear them refer to themselves as "WE"
I can hear love's eternal mocking laughter

*****

When I first heard this song (it was being sung in a singing contest), my heart broke into a million pieces. Don't get me wrong, it's not as if I can totally relate but the way the contestant interpreted the song (by the way he got a perfect score for this performance and eventually won the contest) , you cannot just feel the pain, you can almost touch it.

The Ties That Bind

2008-08-03T19:38:00.004+08:00

Is blood relation enough to sustain
the bond that families have?
Or it needs more than the same name
for it to survive the test of time?
Is money really that important
for families to continually communicate?
Or the familial connection is enough
for the bond to tighten?

It really hurts to see how families are torn apart because of financial misunderstandings. Call me, idealistic, somehow I don't believe that money is the be all and end all of life. Ok, we need money to survive in this jungle, we call world, but can money buy the unconditional love and neverending concern lovingly extended by your family.

Actually, I never thought so much of the importance of family to my existence. I used to believe that your family is just there to complete the components in your family tree. (Yes, I was that bad, believe me!) But, something happened (Looking back at it now, it wasn't that bad but for a girl who just stepped into the real world, it was extremely traumatic) along the way, and it was just a heartwarming thing to feel the support and love of your so-called family that you had taken for granted from day one.

I'm not a showy/touchy person so it's not easy to say "I Love You" but I honestly do try to show my undying appreciation through gestures I know they'll understand.

It's sad that it usually takes a tragedy to bind families together. But it's sadder to only see your family's presence rather than feel them.

When It's Time To Say Goodbye

2008-08-01T20:18:00.002+08:00

We were never really close, you and I,
But, somehow the bond that ties
was always there whenever we have the chance to meet
We didn't speak the same language
But everything was always clear with a smile
I was your big sister but I never had the chance to be one
Now the time has come for us to say goodbye
I can't think of the right words to say
Should I be sad that we've lost you forever
Or should I be glad that you're now free
from all that we've yet to go through in this lifetime

I'm catching my breath as I'm writing this
I can't allow the tears to fall
I don't want to feel the grief
I want to celebrate the life you had,
be it good or the other way
You lived, that's all there is to remember....

Memories of the little time that we're together
kept on flashing in my mind
If only, we got to know each other
maybe....
maybe I'll know for sure now what to say or do

Goodbye, my cousin....
Goodbye....

clouds, clouds go away

2008-07-28T22:26:00.002+08:00

was it the weather
that made my day darker?
was it the rain
that made me feel more of the pain?

i wanted to see the sun today
but all i see were clouds so gray
can somebody blow them away
so that my heart can sing and play

When I Thought I Found You

2008-07-25T19:18:00.002+08:00

PROLOGUE

Maybe it's the storybooks that I had devoured as a kid but I actually believed that there is a happily ever after for everybody, especially me.

It was one of those normal sunny day. It wasn't a perfect day, well, at least by my standard, but it was generally an okay day. I was rushing my way to my next class. Trust me, it was a stressful run from one building to another. I was running as fast as I can while trying to memorize in my mind those mind-boggling formulas my next professor will be using to torture me and my classmates. Then it happened....

I'm still not sure how it happened. I used to believe it was fate. Well, I'm having doubts about that now.

Friendship

2008-07-24T19:09:00.000+08:00

Friends..... I don't normally open up immediately. I'm quite reserved when it comes to making friends. I have such a thick wall of defense that sometimes it would have to take years before anybody CAN know me.

Unfortunately for me, I trusted too soon. Don't take me wrong, there's no pain nor anger. It's pure disheartenment. I'm disheartened that I actually believed I found a friend. I'm disheartened to feel my trust thrown back to my face HARD. I'm disheartened to see the mocking faces beneath their masks. I'm disheartened to hear the jeers above their concern. I'm just disheartened.

What's in a Name?

2008-07-23T00:12:00.001+08:00

What's in a name? By name, I don't mean the name a person is being referred by the name a person is being perceived upon.

I'm not saying that I have the most pristine reputation but I do believe that my actions and words are always perceived to be different than what I intended them to be.

I find it really disheartening, especially when the people you believed to know you are the ones who were the first to point an accusing finger or utter the hurting words without giving you the benefit of the doubt. I guess, that's life, right?

confusion

2008-07-22T22:39:00.003+08:00

i don't know...

i really have no idea....

i might have said something you hurt you...

i might have done something you didn't like...

but, until you tell me, i am clueless why you're treating me like an annoying pest....

maybe you thought it was intentional...

you may even believe it was planned...

but, until you tell me, i am at loss why you're treating me like an unwanted guest....

i am not asking for your forgiveness....

i am not asking you to understand....

all i want is for you to tell me why

maybe then i'll know where to stand

Tangled Thoughts #02

2008-07-20T02:40:00.002+08:00

People always say, why don't you put yourself into other people's shoes so that you'll understand what they're going through... DUH!?! is that really possible? to actually understand what others are going through.... NO!!!! how can you really understand when you're not the actually having the experience?

TANGLED THOUGHTS #01

2005-04-19T23:09:00.000+08:00

As I stare at the monitor, I can actually feel how lost I am. It may sound strange that somebody my age could be saying this. But, I really have no idea how I would live my life after I shut this computer down.

It feels like I'm just going around in circle, a vicious circle at that. Did I do something wrong then? Did I turn a wrong turn somewhere? Or maybe I just wasn't a good person that I'm reaping now what I sown?

TANGLED DREAMS

2005-03-08T18:50:00.000+08:00

When you're teethering in the mouth
of what appears to be hell,
nothing is more alive
but the beating of your heart.

Regret tasts so real
that you won't notice the tears
generously streaming down your face
and reminding you on what you have been.

Ambitions didn't matter anymore
with damnation holding out its manacles
and, yet, there's a glimmer of hope
with salvation trying to grope out of the dark.

Is it fate or is it man?
Is it a reality or is it a game?
Will I wake from a nightmare
or actually live in a bad dream?

MY CRYING SONG

2005-03-06T23:40:00.000+08:00

Could've Been*
Sung By Tiffany

The flowers you gave me,
Are just about to die.
When I think about,
What could've been,
It makes me want to cry.

The sweet words you whispered,
Didn't mean a thing.
I guess our song is over,
As we begin to sing.

Could've been so beautiful,
Could've been so right,
Could've been my lover,
Every day of my life.

Could've been so beautiful,
Could've been so right.
I'll never hold what could've been,
On a cold and lonely night.

The memories of our lovin',
Still linger in the air,
Like the fainted scent of your roses,
They stay with me everywhere.

Every time I get my hopes up,
They always seem to fall.
Still what could've been,
Is better than,
What could never be at all,
At all,

Could've been so beautiful,
Could've been so right,
Could've been my lover,
Every day of my life.

Could've been so beautiful,
Could've been so right.
You can't hold what could've been,
On a cold and lonely night.

Could've been so beautiful,
Could've been so right,
You can't hold what could've been,
On a cold and lonely night.
No, No at all,

How could I hold what could've been,
On a cold and lonely night?

*i'm still researching on the identities of the composer and lyricist ;)

THE LIGHT

2005-03-05T19:12:00.000+08:00

When will this hurting end?
I have been wondering for so long.
Will my heart ever mend?
I have already forgotten how to be strong.
Days and nights, nights and days,
pain has not loosen its grip on my heart.
My life is filled with "come what mays,"
now that everything has fallen apart.
The sun has not been shining that bright.
Tomorrow no longer sparks hope.
I can't see the stars at night.
How much more can I cope?
What should I do to make things right?
What can I do to finally see the light?

SADNESS

2005-02-08T18:48:00.000+08:00

I can't grope my way out of the darkness
my dreams are all mired in hopelessness
doubt clouds my very essence
nothing makes any sense

I wish every night for a glimmer of hope
there are so many things I can't cope
yet, life seems not to be hearing
all my cries and weeping

I so want to enjoy the sunshine
to be able to say, "thank you, I'm doing fine"
but I can't bring myself to smile
not even for a little while

I'm getting drowned in my tears
I can't see beyond my fears
sadness has wrenched my heart away
happiness has lost it's way

LESS

2005-02-04T19:18:00.000+08:00

It pains so much to hear
bad things about yourself
from people you don't even know

But it hurts so much more
coming from people you believe
to be friends you can rely on

Sorry is such an easy word to say
but it amounts to nothing
when uttered carelessly

"to forgive is divine" they tell me
but i'm not a saint so please understand
it will take quite a while to smile again

one day or will it be tomorrow
the sun will come out
maybe by then everything will be fine

but, for now, less is better for you and me
the wounds are still fresh so just let it be

HURTING

2005-02-03T19:11:00.000+08:00

I can't stop myself from hurting
no matter how hard I try.
You should see my desperate attempts
to forget you already said goodbye.

Banging my head on the wall
was an option I considered.
Maybe, when I lose consciousness,
my tears would be spared.

I tried immersing myself
in a lot of different things.
But your broken promises
were all I can sing.

I want so much to believe
someday this pain would end.
And I'll make it through
with your help, my friend.

I NEVER PLAN...

2005-02-01T22:18:00.000+08:00

I never plan this helplessness
My dreams were all grand
But one should never dare fate
Now everything is out of hand

Nothing turned out as I want
It seems confusion is here to stay
Doubt clouds my every thoughts
Angels are avoiding my way

I can't turn my face away
I want to shout out my frustration
It pains when I try to smile
I want to cry out my desperation

How did these things happened?
Why am in the middle of these?
Who can lend me a hand?
When will all of these cease?

A FRIEND

2005-01-31T22:27:00.000+08:00

I can't seem to find the right way
to express what's in my heart.
My soul has nothing left to say
except the pain is tearing me apart.
I really thought it would last forever.
I prayed so hard it would be
but life is another matter.
Look what it did to you and me.
How could it have happened to us?
What made our dreams fade away?
Who allowed time to pass?
Why did change have to stay?
Can somebody tell me when will the hurting end?
God, how I badly need a friend.

I AM ME

2005-01-30T15:33:00.000+08:00

How can I possibly tell you how I feel
when I don't know anymore what is real?
Sure, the sun is still shining ever so bright.
But why do I feel nothing will ever be right?
I tried so very hard to understand
but then, this is all what I can.
I am not perfect and never professed to be.
So, why do you people keep on looking at me?
Give me a break! I need fresh air!
When will this pain be easier to bear?
Your burden is always heavier than my own.
Why can't I just stay at home?
I cannot live for somebody else's gain.
I am me. Please use my name.

TELL ME

2005-01-19T18:44:00.000+08:00

Gusts of icy wind slap my face continuously
as if I can forget you already left me
Nothing would be colder than the emptiness in my heart
a proof I can't deny that we're now apart

Painful sighs echo through my life
Your goodbye stabbed me like a rusty knife
A dream unfulfilled of you and me forever
now I just want all of these to be over

I need you to tell me how I can outgrow
I need you to tell what I should know
I need you to tell me who I can turn to
I need you to tell me why I should let you go

BLEAKNESS

2005-01-18T18:41:00.000+08:00

My 36th summer is about to start
but why don't I feel like rejoicing?
There's an emptiness in my heart
and it won't stop aching.

I could remember all my plans
when I was still naive.
It seemed everything was at hand
and I readily believed.

"Here you go again." I heard a whisper.
"Stop dwelling on the 'what could've beens.'"
But the frustrations continue to linger
especially with all that I've seen.

Nothing came out right,
sadly, I have to admit.
I did try with all my might
but everything has a limit.

Now I'm faced with bleakness,
what is there left for me?
I hate this feeling of helplessness
and obvious uncertainty.

DEPRESSION*

2005-01-17T22:32:00.000+08:00

blackness pervades my thoughts
numbness clouds my emotions
emptiness engulfs my days
as darkness consumes my soul

desperation creeps in uninvited
i was caught unaware
frustrations claws its way in
as ire starts to settle

helplessness is all i recognize
loneliness savors my fear
as change chases the rainbow away
and confusion dusts my dreams

*transferred from muffled thoughts

PAST*

2005-01-17T22:28:00.000+08:00

How can I make you understand
what I am going through?
No fairy can wave her magic wand
to make me stop feeling blue.
I prayed very hard for so long
that we will always be together.
Something happened and everything went wrong,
you are now somebody I can only remember.
No more jokes and stories to share;
no more cares and worries to tell;
no more pains and problems to bear;
no more and it might be as well...
It still breaks my heart though to think of the past.
You were my friend and I really thought it would last.

*transferred from muffled thoughts

IS IT POSSIBLE?*

2005-01-17T22:25:00.000+08:00

Is it possible for me to put into writing
all the sorrow, anger, hurt and pain?
Is it possible for me to stop the feeling
of my heart breaking when I hear your name?
Is it possible for me to really understand
what happened that day long ago?
Is it possible for you to take my hand
and make me listen to things I ought to know?
Is it possible for me to see you once more
and think of the things we used to do?
Is it possible for us to talk life before
and still share an experience or two?
Is it possible? Can somebody tell me, please?
Is it possible? God, I beg you to grant me peace....

*transferred from muffled thoughts

DREAMS*

2005-01-17T22:15:00.000+08:00

ten years to this day, i was so naive
i saw everything and readily believed
the sun rose and the moon set
dreaming of things i hoped to get
everybody called me their princess
i was a girl, so richly blessed
it was as if nothing could go wrong
things were exactly where they belong
suddenly, rains began to pour
i had no choice but to close the door
no light came in and the air became stale
the windows were jammed and it felt like hell
dreams could no longer be found
except when no one else is around

*transferred from muffled thoughts

HOW... ?*

2005-01-17T22:13:00.000+08:00

my tears start to fall again
whenever i hear your name
what we had was more than special
but you turned and walked away

my heart starts to break again
whenever i hear your voice
i thought we would last forever
i was wrong. it was never your choice.

how could you be so cruel?
how could you be so unkind?
how could you be so unfeeling?
how could you be so blind?

my world starts to shatter again
whenever i see your face
life was made of dreams and promises
then i woke up and they all left without a trace

how can it be more painful?
how can i be more sad?
how can it last more than forever
what i never really had?

*transferred from muffled thoughts

ALONE*

2005-01-17T22:06:00.000+08:00

nobody seems to understand
what i am going through
angels have nowhere to land
here i am, alone and blue

everything changes at the blink of an eye
nothing remains even the color of the sky

the sun will come out tomorrow
they never fail to say
but i'm always full of sorrow
all my life, every single day

how can i cope with what i know
tears are all i have to show

*transferred from muffled thoughts

HEARTSTRING

2005-01-17T18:45:00.000+08:00

nothing hurts more than having your heartstrings tugged callously
it is as if air was cut off abruptly
i have to forcefully squint my way in the darkness
in an attempt to escape the abyss of helplessness

my hands are tightly bound by misery
they bleed profusely as i hid in my reverie
those were the days when i dwelt in fantasies
illusions foolishly confused with life's realities

i can't seem to stop my tears
realization can't overcome my fears
i can't seem to dream of tomorrow
as my entire being is drenched in sorrow

what can i do to cease this pain
what can i do to stop the rain
what can i do to find what i lost
what can i do to conquer the ghost